Spamusement!

DEAREST FRIEND,

IT IS MY DEEPEST AND SINCEREST HOPE THAT THIS LETTER FINDS YOU IN THE UTMOST HEALTH, AND I APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY IN ADVANCE FOR THE UNUSUAL AND NO DOUBT UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL OF THIS COMMUNIQUE.

MY NAME IS STEVEN FRANK, THE SON OF NGITU FRANK, FORMER FINANCE MINISTER OF THE INDEPENDENT REPUBLIC OF BHUTRUNI. AS YOU HAVE ALMOST CERTAINLY READ IN THE INTERNATIONAL NEWSPAPERS AND TELEVISION MEDIA, MY FATHER NGITU WAS KILLED IN A BRUTAL COUP STAGED BY THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT, WHICH HAS SINCE PLUNGED OUR COUNTRY INTO TURMOIL.

AS NGITU'S ONLY SURVIVING SON, THE SOMEWHAT UNUSUAL LAWS OF OUR COUNTRY STATE THAT I AM TO RECEIVE THE BALANCE OF THE FORMER GOVERNMENT'S BANK ACCOUNT, A SUM TOTALING $52 MILLION OF YOUR UNITED STATES AMERICAN DOLLARS.

HOWEVER, THE RISK OF BEING CAPTURED BY THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT MAKES IT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CLAIM MY INHERITANCE. I DARE NOT SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC FOR FEAR OF BEING CAPTURED AND EXECUTED IN A MANNER MOST EGREGIOUS, SUCH AS BY A SHARP KNIFE, OR HAIL OF BULLETS.

CURRENTLY, I AM SURVIVING ONLY BY MAKING WHIMSICAL CARTOONS ABOUT SPAM EMAILS AND POSTING THEM ON THE INTERNET, ONLY TO BE SASSED ON WEB FORUMS BY FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO. FRIEND, IT IS A MEAGER EXISTENCE AT BEST, AND I WOULD NOT WISH IT ON A JACKAL'S FLEAS.

HOWEVER YOU, ANONYMOUS INTERNET FRIEND, MAY BE THE KEY TO MY SALVATION. THROUGH A STRANGE AND UNUSUAL LOOPHOLE IN INTERNATIONAL FISCAL LAW, THAT IS FAR TOO COMPLEX TO EXPLAIN TO YOU AT THIS TIME, I MAY BE ABLE TO CLAIM THE FORTUNE THAT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT. BUT I CAN ONLY ACCOMPLISH THIS WITH YOUR ASSISTANCE.

BY TRANSFERRING ME A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY VIA THE "PAYPAL" SERVICE, I WILL IN TURN BE ABLE TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE SUM OF $52 MILLION TO YOU, RIGHT BEHIND THE EYES OF THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT. YOU WILL THEN BE ABLE TO TRANSFER THE BALANCE BACK TO ME AND I WILL NO LONGER NEED TO LIVE IN PAINFUL EXILE. IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO KEEP 10% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT ($5.2 MILLION US AMERICAN DOLLARS).

I REALIZE IT IS NOT MUCH, AND WITH YOUR POWERFUL AMERICAN ECONOMY, YOU PROBABLY EARN MORE THAN THAT IN AN HOUR, BUT IT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE.

ALSO, DID I MENTION THAT MY GRANDMOTHER HAS CANCER OF THE ESOPHAGUS, WHICH IS A BRUTAL, UNFORGIVING DISEASE, ESPECIALLY IN THE ESOPHAGEAL FORM. I MEAN, HONESTLY, CAN YOU THINK OF A WORSE PLACE TO GET CANCER THAN IN THE ESOPHAGUS? I KNOW I CAN'T. OF COURSE WE CANNOT AFFORD THE TREATMENT UNTIL THE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE, YOU KNOW? LIFE SURE HAS TAKEN A BIG OLD DUMP ON ME LATELY, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT.

EVEN THOUGH WE'VE NEVER MET, AND I DON'T ACTUALLY EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME, I'M CONVINCED THAT YOU CAN BE TRUSTED TO HANDLE THIS DELICATE ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UTMOST TRUST, CONFIDENTIALITY, AND DECORUM. YOU ARE ALSO FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE AND PERHAPS SOME TIME, WHEN ALL THIS IS BEHIND US, WE COULD GRAB A COFFEE AND JUST GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BETTER.

BUT, FIRST THINGS FIRST, THE SMALL PAYPAL DONATION IS THE CRITICAL FIRST STEP. I WILL TRANSFER THE FULL $52 MILLION IMMEDIATELY UPON RECEIPT. NO, SERIOUSLY. THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE $5.2 MILLION GUARANTEED US AMERICAN DOLLARS IS IF SOMETHING, SOMEHOW GOES WRONG WITH THE TRANSACTION. BUT THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING ARE ASTRONOMICAL!

NOW I MUST AWAY, FOR IT IS NIGHTFALL AND SOON THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT WILL BE PATROLLING. GODSPEED TO YOU AND MAY BLESSINGS RAIN DOWN UPON YOU AND YOUR FAMILY LIKE GOLDEN PIGEON DROPPINGS FROM HEAVEN.

YOUR FRIEND AND CONFIDANT,

S. FRANK
INDEPENDENT REPUBLIC OF BHUTRUNI